Why every leader needs a Thought Partner

Many years ago, I joined an HR book club. I was younger, less senior than most of the other members, and hungry to learn. One month, we read Quiet Leadership by David Rock—a book that would quietly rewire how I viewed leadership and coaching forever.

What struck me most wasn't the management tips or organizational tools. It was the science. Rock opened with a deep dive into the brain's neuroplasticity—the idea that our brains can rewire, adapt, and form new neural pathways well into adulthood. It challenged the notion that leadership was about giving answers. Instead, it was about creating the conditions for others to find their own. That’s when I realized: My role in HR—and later, as a leader—wasn't to solve problems. It was to create space for others to think better.

From Advice-Giver to Thought Partner

Like many managers, I’ve felt frustrated when employees brought me problems expecting ready-made solutions. One book I read described this as “taking on other people’s monkeys”—you end up juggling other people's responsibilities while they leave lighter, and you are left with an office full of monkeys!

Quiet Leadership helped me shift this dynamic. I started asking my team to come to me not with problems, but with three things they’d already tried or three potential options to explore. I stopped being the fixer. I started being a thought partner.

Not everyone embraced this shift the same way.

Two employees leaned in. One told me years later, “No one ever believed in me like you did. I didn’t want to let you down.” She was ambitious and eager to grow. Her fear of failing was real, but she tried anyway. I explained that failure wasn’t the enemy. I expected missteps. That was the work. That was the learning.

Another employee, however, didn’t respond the same way. Maybe it was a lack of confidence. Perhaps it was a mismatch in learning styles. Or maybe I wasn’t the right environment for her to thrive. The same approach that fuels one person’s development might not work for another. It’s why finding the right coach or thought partner is so personal. Sometimes, you have to try a few before you find the one who challenges you just enough, holds space in the right way, and helps you uncover your path forward. Like finding the right therapist, the fit matters. And when you find it, the growth that follows can be transformative.

Coaching Isn’t About Knowing More—It’s About Talking Less

In my recent training on Impact Coaching (because you can’t be a coach without being coached), I’ve learned the uncomfortable magic of silence—the pause long enough to feel awkward, that allows insight to rise. I’ll admit, this doesn’t come easily to me. I like to be helpful. I want to add value by sharing what I’ve learned. But as one "coachee" once said to me, “Sometimes you talk too much.”

And they were right. In trying to validate their experience by adding my own, I had accidentally crowded out the space they needed to hear their wisdom.

Michael Bungay Stanier, author of The Coaching Habit and The Advice Trap, warns of what he calls the “Advice Monster”—our inner compulsion to fix, to solve, to be the hero. But what I think and what I know is not as valuable as their (my coachee’s) ability to make their own connections and create their own insights. I have come to realize that coaching is less about transferring my knowledge and more about cultivating their self-awareness. 

The Brain Is a Connection Machine

In Quiet Leadership, Rock explains that the brain thrives not when it’s told what to do, but when it connects ideas on its own. He outlines three truths about the brain that still guide my coaching today:

1. People need to think things through for themselves to take committed action.

2. Thinking is hard—it requires energy, and most of us avoid it unless necessary.

3. Having an “A-HA” moment releases the kind of energy that motivates action and rewires the brain.

In short, we can’t rewire the brain for someone else—they must want to do it themselves.

I often picture our default thinking like a well-worn path through the forest—comfortable, familiar, easy to walk. But real change (transformation?) is more like taking a machete to a dense jungle. You don’t know exactly where you’re going. You carve a little. You pause. You try again. You forge a new way forward, one step at a time.

Creating the Conditions for Insight

Whether you're leading a team or navigating a career crossroads, the quality of your thinking matters. Having someone to hold space for that thinking, ask powerful questions, and let you sit with the discomfort of silence—that’s where real breakthroughs happen.

A great coach doesn’t hand you the map. They help you realize you can draw your own.

You don’t have to wait for someone else to start this process. You can create space for clarity right now. In his book Traction, Gino Wickman calls this a Clarity Break—a regular, intentional pause from the daily whirlwind to think deeply, ask hard questions, and reconnect with what really matters.

Try this the next time you feel stuck or overwhelmed:

• Schedule a Clarity Break. Even 30 minutes away from the noise can make a difference. Step away from your phone, your inbox, and the endless to-do list.

• Ask Yourself:

  • Given this situation, what do I want to create?

  • If this challenge were already solved and it’s a year from now, what’s the single most important thing that would have changed?

  • What’s one small, courageous step I could take today to move toward that future?

• Sit with the Silence. Resist the urge to fill the space with quick answers. Let the discomfort do its work—this is where real insight begins.

• Write It Down. Grab a pen and paper or open a blank document—get the thoughts out of your head and into the world. Don’t judge, don’t edit—just let it flow. Remember, the goal isn’t to get it right; it's to get it out.

The more you practice this kind of deep reflection, the more your brain changes. You begin to build the muscles of clarity, resilience, and courageous decision-making. You become more of the leader, parent, friend, or founder you’ve always wanted to be.

And when you’re ready for support, find yourself a coach. Any coach. The right one will challenge you, hold space for your growth, and remind you that the answers were always yours to find.