Operational Compassion: Genuine Care means Empowering Capacity (not enabling avoidance)

Big feelings are not a get-out-of-work-free card.

There. I said it.

Now before you get your empathy cape in a twist, let me be clear: trauma is real. PTSD is real. Triggers are real. But what’s also real is how, in too many workplaces, the language of trauma is being stretched and distorted until it loses meaning.

We are watching a shift where the word "triggered" is no longer reserved for describing involuntary trauma responses, but is now being used anytime someone experiences emotional discomfort, disappointment, or disagreement. And when this misuse becomes normalized in the workplace, we start to see something troubling: the weaponization of trauma language to avoid responsibility.

The Original Context: Triggers and PTSD

In clinical and psychological terms, a trigger is not just “being upset.” It’s a stimulus—sensory, situational, emotional—that activates an involuntary response tied to a past traumatic experience. The reaction can bypass rational thought, engaging the brain’s fight‑flight‑freeze circuits, resulting in flashbacks, overwhelm, panic, dissociation, hypervigilance, or a surge of anxiety. In other words, it’s the nervous system reacting as though the traumatic event is happening again in real time, even if that isn’t the case.

Importantly: this is distinct from ordinary emotional distress or disappointment. Someone experiencing a trigger is less in control because their body is doing the driving until the higher-order brain circuits can re-engage.

In workplaces today, however, the language of “triggering” is sometimes being stretched to mean “I felt uncomfortable.” That blurs the distinction between genuine trauma responses and normal emotional discomfort—and allows people (and systems) to dodge accountability by claiming trauma.

We need to reclaim precision. A trigger is clinically meaningful. A “big feeling” is part of daily life. And in a professional context, we should expect people to learn the skill of emotional regulation — not hand them a free pass every time they feel shaken.

When Language Becomes a Loophole

Frustration. Embarrassment. Fear. Anger. Disappointment. All valid, all uncomfortable. And none of them require an automatic removal of expectations, deadlines, or accountability.

When we equate emotional discomfort with trauma, we create a loophole in our workplaces. We tell people, consciously or unconsciously, that if you feel bad enough, you don’t have to participate. You don’t have to finish the project. You don’t have to receive feedback. You don’t have to be in the room.

And as a result, we rob people of the opportunity to build emotional resilience. This avoidance leads to a fragile workforce, a revolving door of talent that cannot handle the standard demands of a dynamic business, and a leadership deficit where managers learn to fear difficult conversations.

We see this everywhere. A manager asks a direct question in a team meeting, and a team member says they need to leave the room because they’re triggered. A supervisor sends a performance note and is reported for being insensitive. It’s not that we want people to push through real trauma. But when everything is labeled a trauma, we lose the ability to respond appropriately to anything.

This issue didn’t start in the workplace. It started in how we raise, educate, and support people.

Somewhere along the way, we started confusing protecting people from trauma with protecting them from discomfort. But these aren’t the same. In fact, discomfort is often where growth happens. As Brené Brown reminds us, clear is kind. Avoiding difficult conversations to protect people from emotional pain is not kindness—it’s self-protection.

It saves us from sitting in discomfort, not them.

And now, as these beliefs make their way into the workplace, we are seeing lines drawn between the “We need more Empathetic Leaders” and “We need more Accountable employees”. And that’s a false binary.

Shifting the System: Moving Beyond Either/Or Thinking

At the heart of this issue is a broken mental model—the belief that we have to choose between "Suck it up, Buttercup" and "Oh you poor baby, of course you don’t need to work right now."

Neither extreme is sustainable. One denies emotion entirely and encourages suppression. The other disables growth and rewards fragility. If we want to develop adaptable, resilient adults who can thrive in dynamic environments, we need a third way.

Compassion with Accountability is that third way.

This requires a systems-level shift:

• From Sympathy ("I'm so sorry that happened to you. I feel bad for you.") and Empathy ("I feel your pain.") to Compassion ("I care that you are in pain, and I want to help.")

• From avoiding discomfort to building tolerance for it.

• From over-functioning on behalf of others to equipping them to function for themselves.

• From overprotecting to respectfully challenging.

• From reaction to reflection.

HR systems must reflect this shift in how we design policies, coach leaders, and respond to challenges. When operational compassion is baked into performance conversations, wellness strategies, and leadership development, we stop centering either fear or fragility and start cultivating capacity.

What Operational Compassion Actually Looks Like

Operational compassion isn’t about removing expectations. It’s about designing systems that support people and hold them capable.

It means:

• Acknowledging when someone is struggling, without immediately lowering the bar.

• Providing space to regroup, without removing them from responsibility.

• Creating psychologically safe environments that are not emotionally indulgent.

• Training managers to respond to emotional cues without abandoning clarity.

Yes, you can have space. You can take a breath, take a walk, take a break. But you don’t get a paid day off just because someone gave you honest feedback. You don’t get to miss a deadline because a Slack message felt blunt.

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, manage, and respond to emotions in a way that’s appropriate to the context. It doesn’t mean suppressing feelings. It means: - Not letting your emotions run the show - Being able to pause before reacting - Choosing a response that aligns with your goals and setting

Put simply, emotional regulation is the difference between having a big feeling and acting out a big feeling.

It’s a core skill for adults—and essential in professional settings.

3 Ways to Build Emotional Regulation in the Workplace

1.      Normalize the Language of Pause: Model and teach phrases like: “Let’s take a breath and revisit this together.”

2.      Coach Managers to Name Emotions Without Owning Them: Train leaders to say things like: “I can see this is upsetting. I believe we can work through it together.”

3.       Offer Micro-Regulation Tools: Promote simple strategies like box breathing or short walks after high-emotion meetings.

The Role of HR

HR’s job, and that of a leader, is not to be a therapist, a buffer, or a perpetual shield against reality. Our fundamental role is to demonstrate Operational Compassion—care backed by a deep belief in the employee's capacity for strength.

We integrate an awareness of human emotion with professional expectations, creating an environment where high standards are consistently upheld with clear accountability. To create environments where compassion and clarity live side by side. Where people are supported through difficulty—and still held accountable.

We model this by:

• Establishing Clear Boundaries: Defining the line between professional support (coaching, resources, flexibility) and clinical needs (therapy, EAP, medical leave).

• Insisting on Capacity: Teaching leaders to validate emotions without ever excusing performance drops or removing expectations.

• Clarifying "Trauma-Informed": Defining it as providing necessary resources and accommodations, not a universal reduction in standards.

• Designing Sustainable Policies: Creating structures that are Fair, Firm, and Flexible—in that order—to ensure consistency and prevent burnout.

We do not lower the professional standard every time someone has a big feeling. Doing so is not inclusive; it is simply avoidant, undermining the very resilience we need employees to build.

Final Thoughts: Holding Space and Standards

For too long, leaders and HR professionals have been asked to operate as the emotional buffers of the organization. The result is a quiet epidemic of empathy burnout, where genuine care turns into exhaustion because boundaries are nonexistent. This is not sustainable, and it doesn't actually serve the people we are trying to help. We are not here to be a human sponge; we are here to lead.

As leaders, parents, and people who care deeply about the human experience, we need to stop pretending that feelings and feedback are mutually exclusive. We need to stop letting discomfort masquerade as trauma. And we need to stop calling it kindness when what we really mean is avoidance.

Big feelings are not a get-out-of-work-free card. They are the essential material for building a truly resilient organization.

---

Join me live: Cultivating Emotional Regulation as a Personal and Professional Skill

If you're ready to develop the skills that make this possible, join us on November 28 for our free webinar: Cultivating Emotional Regulation as a Personal and Professional Skill. We'll explore how to manage your own emotional responses, create space for others' emotions without being derailed by them, and build the kind of steady leadership that psychological safety actually requires.

Cultivating Emotional Regulation as a Personal and Professional Skill

Date: November 28, 2025

Time: 10:00 AM (GMT -07:00 MT (Edmonton))

Format: Live Online

Cost: Free

In this session, we'll explore:

• The neuroscience of emotional regulation and why it matters for leaders

• Creating space for difficult emotions without letting them drive decisions

• The difference between compassion and emotional enmeshment

• Practical strategies to maintain composure when stakes are high

Save your spot: https://www.elioscollective.ca/event-details/cultivating-emotional-regulation-as-a-personal-and-professional-skill

Strong leaders aren't unfeeling—they're emotionally steady. Join us to develop the skill that makes everything else possible.